The Ego in Me Honors the Ego in You

This blog post was long in the making because I’ve been hesitant about sharing something that I’m still personally figuring out. This is my current work and my current practice. So, I’m sharing this as a collection of current insights and conclusions in hopes that it will resonate with some of you. It’s a work in progress!

One of my earliest explorations on the spiritual path started with some of the popular writing by the Buddhist teacher Pema Chodron. In her well-known books, she describes the Tibetan concept of shenpa - or attachment. Here is her brief definition of shenpa from a recent article: 

In Tibetan there is a word that points to the root cause of aggression, the root cause also of craving. It points to a familiar experience that is at the root of all conflict, all cruelty, oppression, and greed. This word is shenpa. The usual translation is “attachment,” but this doesn’t adequately express the full meaning. I think of shenpa as “getting hooked.” Another definition … is the “charge”—the charge behind our thoughts and words and actions, the charge behind “like” and “don’t like.” 

I remember responding to this concept so well because of how visually precise and enticing the idea of a hook was - like a broken nail that snags on a sweater, our strongly held identities or sacred ideas get hooked by simply living in the discordant world. Noticing and understanding these “hooks” has been a big part of my practice, as I bring them to my awareness and gradually endeavor to sit with them, work through them when possible, and move through them when the time comes. So much of the practice on the spiritual path seems to be individual/personal, but a lot of the hooks come from interactions with others, in the present (like our friends or romantic partners) or the past (like our parents, for example). The ultimate goal of Yoga, of course, is to realize that there are no “others” and that it’s All One, connected, indivisible Whole. In the meantime, until that realization comes, we encounter “others” - at work, in our families, in kids’ schools and even in yoga classes!

Over the past few months, I have had a number of interactions with others that I perceived as condescending or patronizing. And because they came from people who don’t know me well or know much about my life experience, the first reaction to these exchanges, of course, was a contracted, angry, triggered feeling - “Who do you think you are? You don’t even know me” - followed by a pretty predictable - for me - underlying critical voice saying in its insidiously repetitive way: “They are right, I need to do more, be more, and work harder, change so I can show ‘em, prove to them!” Then came the Whys: Why did several people communicate in this similar condescending way? Why now? What does this lesson mean? Is it always important/needed/desirable to receive what others say as a direct teaching? Asking the Whys didn’t lead me very far because those questions are often a sort of a dead end in the short term - in my experience, the reasons become clear only with time.

So after the Whys subsided, a more useful and usable realization happened. What I was able to understand - and the main goal of my sharing this here - is that the recognition of any communication or interaction that we receive as somehow painful or “condescending” or “hurtful” or even unsatisfactory to us is the function/reaction of our own well-developed ego. We get to experience shenpa, we’re hooked! We may never know the intention of another person, but what I firmly believe now is that it takes an ego to recognize another ego.

The flip-side of this is equanimity, which means that there is not an internal “notch” to get us hooked and so the communication can be received neutrally. If my son tells me that I’m a “noob” at Minecraft, there is a lot less to get me hooked and a lot less ego involved (plus I AM indeed a noob at Minecraft). But when there are already hurt, painful, traumatized and well-worn notches that exist inside, then I get caught, tied up, and tangled. In my case, recognizing the communication I received as “condescending” also allowed me to recognize my own need to be seen as “having accomplished something” and its accompanying shadow - a worry that my efforts don’t amount to anything. All of the above statements, of course, indicate a very strong and separate-feeling sense of “I” or of my own small self, as well as the need for continuing, self-compassionate inner work. 

This recent experience also reminded me of another intensive interpersonal experience and a lesson. Over a period of about a year, I was with a person who acted in a way that didn’t agree with “my standards” of respectful behavior. That person was frequently late and dominated conversations. In that situation, I understood that the triggering issues that hooked me were a reflection of the areas of my life where I was a bit too rigid and self-denying: “Can’t ever by late, Iryna,” and “Make sure you don’t talk too much” and holding on too tightly to control and self-restraint. In my own eyes, I was being “good,” “considerate” and “respectful” and when another person didn’t conform to those same standards of conduct, I felt annoyed and critical of them.

I think both of these experiences are about the ego: receiving communication from others and perceiving it as criticism, condescension, etc., reveals a part of me that needs validation or at least acknowledgement. Reacting to behaviors of others (feeling annoyed, in my case) points to the areas of my life where I am not allowing myself enough latitude or freedom - a tight holding and rule-following for reasons that are no longer valid, timely or even practical.

This awareness has been really helpful for getting out of the mental loop of “Why me? Why now? Why are they being mean?” The recognition that it takes one to know one has been so helpful. Even if the next big leap of healing those wounded parts of myself, those ego bits, doesn’t happen overnight; at least acknowledging that I’m not totally a victim here and that the other person is not totally an evil perpetrator, is very helpful because it allows me to climb out of the hole of attachment/shenpa. 

All of the above is a very personal, internal exploration and broadening of awareness of why things “work” the way they do for me. The above discussion is by no means an attempt to excuse any boundary-violating or abusive behavior of others. There are certainly many instances when establishing firm boundaries and/or responding to harmful or abusive behavior are warranted as the first step, before any self-analysis should happen. At the same time, there are many more benign, garden-variety interactions with others that afford us an opportunity for self-reflection without bypassing or excusing harm. Reviewing my own inner pain or rigidity helps to pause and slow down. As a result, the hooks are suddenly less sharp.

What’s the next step for me? Here is a quote by another great spiritual teacher, Ram Dass, that I recently saw on my Instagram feed:

From the soul’s point of view, you come to appreciate that each one of us is living out his or her own karma. We interact together, and those interactions are the grist for each other’s mill of awakening. From a personality point of view, you develop judgment, but from the soul’s point of view, you develop appreciation. The shift from judging to appreciating - to appreciating yourself and what your karmic predicament is, and who other beings are with their own karma - brings everything into a simple loving awareness.

Beautiful and I’m not there yet - far from it - but every once in a while I am able to step back and see the scenarios and situations in my life as an observer. From that point of view, seeing my and others’ actions as a result of our “karmic predicaments” seems to make sense. When there is less attachment to me/mine/right/wrong, there is an openness to seeing that things “just are.” I do my best to receive others as living their own karma just as I live mine. We are all connected in the underlying fabric of reality, but until we have a direct experience of that and a realization that we are not actually separate, we can at least bring compassion and understanding to our fellow humans that they are living their lives in the best ways they know how. We don’t have control over the actions of others, but it matters that we understand our own unique ego patterns that create the notches for the hooks.